How to “Improve” Winnie the Pooh

That much-adored honey-junkie bear, Winnie the Pooh, made his return to the big screen last weekend; sadly for him and the rest of the gang, so did Mr. Harry Potter. Winnie the Pooh took in a meager $7.8 million — an opening weekend on a rough par with The Tigger Movie (2000), Piglet’s Big Movie (2003), and Pooh’s Huffalump Movie (2005) — while that film unsurprisingly broke records. It was a noble but futile attempt to offer counter-programming for tykes too young to take in the battle of Hogwarts, but we have a few suggestions that might draw a bigger crowd to a quaint little film.

Stunt casting

That’s the beauty of animation — we can just dub it right over! See ya, Jim Cummings! So long, Tom Kenny! Families went to see Yogi Bear for two reasons: Dan Aykroyd and Justin Timberlake. So clearly, we need to bring out the big guns: Seth Rogen IS Winnie the Pooh, Jonah Hill IS Piglet, Vince Vaughn IS Tigger, Ben Stiller IS Rabbit, Phillip Seymour Hoffman IS Eeyore. And with Shia LaBeouf as Christopher “No-no-nononono!” Robin! Ka, meet Ching.

3-D

Look, I don’t care that it’s already in theaters. I don’t care that it dims the picture. I don’t care that it takes at least months to accomplish the lousiest post-production conversion. The glasses = money. Hell, the kids are usually tickled by the mere appearance of the MPAA boilerplate floating off the screen. Yeah, words. I know, right? Why even bother making two hours’ worth of state-of-the-art effects over the course of several years when friggin’ text will keep them dazzled beyond belief? But I digress. Make it 3-D, and it becomes an event, even if it really just ends up giving the film all the depth of a grade-school diorama.

Product placement

Maybe a new T.G.I. Fridays opened in the Hundred Acre Wood. Maybe Kanga and Roo are big on drinking POM Wonderful now. The possibilities are endless. Use your imagination, Disney! Or flip through a phone book with your eyes closed, whatever works!

Cliffhanger

There have been complaints that a feature-length film only running an hour hardly merits a full price ticket in this day and age. But believe you me, if you market this as the critical set-up to next summer’s Winnie the Two, you are all set. Better yet, if you get Samuel L. Jackson to make a post-credits appearance (as, I don’t know, a toad wearing an eye patch), everyone will have to get on board lest they miss out on the next great franchise. Which reminds me…

Reboot

I’m talking a Pooh movie, independent of this one. Then a Piglet movie, a Tigger movie, Winnie the Two, another Piglet movie (he’s voiced by Ed Norton this time around), and then a big-kahuna, balls-out reunion movie revolving around their fight for the fate of the Hundred Acre Wood and its precious honey reserves. It’s going to be harrowing. Beloved characters will die. And then? We start it all over again in 2019 — maybe something simpler this time, though, something smaller, nice and hand-drawn and 2-D and perfectly old-fashioned.

Eh, we’ll see how it goes.