Esoteric children’s movies were all the rage just a few years ago, with Where the Wild Things Are and The Fantastic Mr. Fox occupying a weird place of fandom that reached from kindergartens to hipsters. Rumor persists that Paddington Bear could receive an even stranger treatment, with Noel Fielding playing a man-bear hybrid who … you know what, I’m not even going to try and write that. I’m going to put all my energy instead into jumping on the bandwagon, where I will sit and put together a cast for a brave re-imagining of Fraggle Rock.
I loved Fraggle Rock. Lots of people did, judging from it’s incredible Wikipedia entry, which lovingly details the color of Gobo’s sweater and vest, and theorizes what Boober did with all those socks. Just looking at pictures of the Fraggles dreamsharing, or hearing Wembly describe his “banana shirt” puts me in a happy place.
Am I now going to sully that a bit by casting human actors as Fraggles? Yes. But this is Hollywood, and I need this to have tie-in merchandise at Urban Outfitters. I think that can only be accomplished by casting real actors to play the Fraggles with the magic of motion capture. Here are my picks for the main cast of Fraggle Rock re-imagining. I hope you like them.
If there was a hot Fraggle, it was Gobo. Adventurous, clever, smart, and practical, he was the unofficial leader of the Fraggle friends. He was the one everyone wanted to hang out with. Reynolds’ charm wasn’t even buried beneath a CG Green Lantern mask. He can totally rock a gourd guitar, orange skin, and a hippy vest.
Mokey Fraggle – Toni Collette
Earthy, optimistic, and poetic, Mokey is the calming influence of the gang. She was so spiritual and good that you need someone with a lot of warmth and quirkiness to keep her cute, and not maddening. My first thought was Lisa Kudrow, but then I was reminded of Collette’s humorous and dark turn in About a Boy. She’s Mokey all the way.
Wembley Fraggle – Michael Cera
Nervous, insecure, and indecisive, there’s only one Wembley in the world, and it’s Michael Cera. He would be a good balance to the flashiness of Reynolds-as-Gobo, and why should a man buck his typecasting? Especially if it lets him play bongo drums and wear a banana shirt.
Boober Fraggle – Chris O’Dowd
Cynical, solitary, and depressed, Boober can best be embodied by someone with Celtic blackness in their soul. O’Dowd is that man, because despite his grumbling and groaning on The IT Crowd, you still want to give him a big hug instead of shunning him. O’Dowd is also an expressive performer, which is key when you can’t see this Fraggle’s eyes.
Uncle Traveling Matt – James Cromwell
Self-explanatory.
Cantus and the Minstrels – Mumford & Sons
To score with the indie crowd, you need some good indie rock, and it seems like Mumford & Sons are one of the rare bands that haven’t made some kind of in-film appearance, or done an entire soundtrack a’la Karen O and the Kids.
King Gorg – Richard Griffiths
I hate to stereotype Griffiths as a large and blustery villain, but he’s so good at it! He also looks just like King Gorg. Besides, the King of the Universe wasn’t all bad. He just liked lording it over his odd, grassy domain … and really, they were his radishes.
Queen Gorg – Jacki Weaver
I don’t want to cast any actress as Queen Gorg because it seems like a commentary on their looks or size when all I wanted was a woman who could scare audiences a little. Weaver made men’s blood run thick with cold in Animal Kingdom, so I have no doubt she could shine through the awful, baggy design of a motion-captured Gorg.
Marjory the Trash Heap – Lady GaGa
Again, casting any actress as Marjory the Trash Heap seems like a dreadful, ugly commentary on their appearance! But she is an oracle, wise and telepathic, who also needs to break into song from time to time. I think I might have to pop onto a popular Internet meme, and name as the voice and power behind Trashy. She could really own it. She may not even need the motion-capture to make it real.
Doc – Jeff Bridges
Come on, man. It’s obvious. As much as I’d like Gerard Parkes to reprise his role, he seems a little old for the part today. And if there’s one man who wouldn’t blink an eye at the existence of Fraggles, it’s The Dude.
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