Top 5/Bottom 5 Football Movies

Hollywood loves a good sports story, but while there is a long history of baseball movies being turned into high art, football movies seem to fall into one of two categories: inspirational, heartwarming tearjerkers or mindless, idiotic locker room hijinks.

Oh, sure, there have been plenty of cool football movies over the decades, but for every good football film there’s an equally terrible football film out there as well. So with the Super Bowl looming, we thought it would only be fitting to take a look at the best and worst gridiron showdowns ever to hit the big screen in our official list of the best and worst football films of all time.

5. “The Blind Side”
This one pretty much checks off every box when it comes to inspirational stories. Quinton Aaron plays Michael Oher, a homeless boy who is taken in by a football-friendly family that gives him tough love and a second chance. Sandra Bullock won Best Actress three years ago for her role as the mom who fights for her new family. Bonus: The real Oher is playing in the Super Bowl as a starting offensive lineman for the Baltimore Ravens. Hard to top that.

4. “Friday Night Lights”
Based on the bestselling book of the same name by author H.G. Bissinger, “Friday Night Lights” tells the true story of one Texas town and its passion for high school football. The film, which stars Billy Bob Thornton as the team’s head coach, was awesome enough to inspire a spinoff TV series that became one of the most acclaimed shows of the past decade. As a result, the movie has become somewhat overshadowed, but take it from us: It’s definitely worth a second look on its own merits.

3. “Rudy”
Has any actor headlined as many classic movies as Sean Astin without becoming an A-list international superstar? As great as “Goonies” and ‘The Lord of the Rings” are, though, Astin is probably best known to most men as the titular character in this 1993 tearjerker about a walk-on student at Notre Dame who became a gridiron hero simply by refusing to give up on his dreams. If you ever wanted to see a grown man cry, just invite a grown man to watch “Rudy” with you some time. Just bring plenty of Kleenex.

2. “Remember the Titans”
Take the positive aspects of every one of the first three films on our list and add them together, and what do you end up with? 2000's “Remember the Titans,” which stars Denzel Washington as an empathetic high school coach (you know, like in “Friday Night Lights”) who helps break down the racial barriers in a small town (kind of like in “The Blind Side”) en route to becoming a feel-good, inspirational story to sports fans of all ages (see: “Rudy”). It’s pretty much got everything going for it.

1. “Brian’s Song”
Really, could there be any other pick for the top spot? Released back in 1971, “Brian’s Song” has been a touchstone for generations of football fans thanks to its moving, true story of the friendship between teammates Gale Sayers (Billy Dee Williams, in the role that made him a star) and Brian Piccolo (James Caan, just a year before “The Godfather”) during the 1969 season, which ended early for Piccolo when he was diagnosed with cancer. Less than a year later, he died at the age of 26. Accepting an award for displaying courage on the football field, Sayers famously said in his acceptance speech that the award should go to Piccolo instead. “I love Brian Piccolo, and I’d like all of you to love him, too,” Sayers said. “Tonight, when you hit your knees to pray, please ask God to love him, too.” No Hollywood screenwriter could improve on that.

5. “Leatherheads”
Proof that even really good ideas can go horribly awry, 2008's “Leatherheads” was directed by and starred George Clooney. That usually guarantees a quality product, but in this case, the resulting film — which is about Clooney’s rivalry with fellow barnstormer John Krasinski and the formation of the NFL in the 1920's — was a disappointing dud at best and a self-indulgent mess at worst.

4. “Necessary Roughness”
One good thing did come out of 1991's “Necessary Roughness”: It bombed, leading star Scott Bakula to go back to television and continue starring in the cult classic sci-fi show “Quantum Leap.” That might not have happened if he had become a star, but thanks to this cheap comedy’s complete lack of laughs, Bakula pretty much never had a chance. Neither did moviegoers looking for entertainment from the story of a school hit with NCAA sanctions and forced to cobble together a team made up entirely of, you know, normal students — a team which ends up defeating the nation’s top ranked squad. Talk about an epic fantasy.

3. “The Game Plan”
So what’s wrong with this film, which stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as a football superstar who discovers he has an eight-year-old daughter? Well, consider this disturbing fact: The movie isn’t as memorable as “The Tooth Fairy” in which Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson plays a hockey superstar who becomes the Tooth Fairy. And any film that isn’t as good as “The Tooth Fairy” automatically makes any Bottom 5 list. Okay, so the contrast between football culture and parenthood is jarring. We get it. We also get the fact that there are no other jokes in this entire film. Even Johnson’s real life football credentials (he won the NCAA national title with Miami in 1991) can’t save this ill-advised dud.

2. “The Longest Yard”
Let’s be very clear here: We’re talking about the horrifyingly terrible 2005 remake of “The Longest Yard,” not the 1974 classic, which featured real-life college football star Burt Reynolds playing something that approximated real football. The remake, on the other hand, starred Adam Sandler, who pretty much wears “horrifyingly terrible” as a badge of honor these days. The plot, which revolves around a bunch of jailbirds putting together a team to play against the prison guards, may have been the same. But the utter stank? That was all new.

1. “Wildcats”
Oy, where do we even begin with this 1986 stinkbomb that stars Goldie Hawn as the coach of an inner city football team? Oh, yeah: With the part about the movie starring Goldie Hawn as the coach of an inner city football team. It’s kind of like “Dangerous Minds,” only instead of Coolio, it features horrible jokes that are offensive not just for being sexist, but even worse, for being unfunny. There have been a lot of bad football films over the years, but there’s no doubt about it: “Wildcats” wins the Super Bowl of Bad. Take a bow, Goldie.

Categories: Lists

Tags: 2013 super bowl, Adam sandler, Billy Bob Thorton, Billy Dee Williams, Brian's Song, Denzel washington, Dwayne johnson, Features, Friday night lights, George clooney, Goldie Hawn, James caan, John krasinski, Leatherheads, Necessary roughness, Quinton Aaron, Remember the titans, Rudy, Sandra bullock, Scott bakula, Sean Astin, Super bowl, The blind side, The Game Plan, The Longest Yard, Top 5 Bottom 5, Top 5/Bottom 5, Wildcats

Top 5/Bottom 5: Steven Soderbergh’s Movies

Eric D. Snider January 14, 2013

Steven Soderbergh celebrated his 26th birthday on Jan. 14, 1989, a few days before his first feature, “sex, lies, and videotape,” premiered at the Sundance Film Festival, launching his career and ushering in a new era of independent film. In the intervening 24 years, he’s made 24 more films, ranging from crowd-pleasing heist comedies to esoteric experiments, from biopics to whatever “Magic Mike” was. He occasionally writes his own screenplays, usually acts as his own cinematographer (under the pseudonym Peter Andrews) and often serves as editor (as Mary Ann Bernard). Sometimes he’ll release two movies in one year; once this resulted in him competing against himself for Best Director at the Academy Awards. (He won.)

The busy man turns 50 today, marking the point at which he’s said he intends to retire (or at least take a “hiatus”) from filmmaking. It remains to be seen whether he’ll go through with it. His pharmaceutical thriller “Side Effects” hits theaters next month, followed by his Liberace biopic “Behind the Candelabra” on HBO in the spring. And after that? In case there is no “after that,” we’ll take his half-century mark as an occasion to rank his five best films. And since it’s always good to give a birthday boy a little razzing, we’ll include the bottom five, too.

Top 5:

1. ‘The Limey’ (1999)
This hard-boiled thriller about a British thug investigating the death of his daughter in Los Angeles isn’t just marvelously entertaining, with an engrossing, twisty plot and an unforgettable lead performance by Terence Stamp. It’s also a prime example of Soderbergh’s gift for bringing artsy, inventive flourishes to mainstream products. In his hands, what could have been an ordinary crime drama is elevated to the status of minor classic.

2. ‘Traffic’ (2000)
Soderbergh’s one and only Oscar (so far) was for directing this sprawling, multifaceted look at the war on drugs. (It also won for its editing, screenplay, and for Benicio Del Toro’s supporting performance.) Loosely adapted from a British miniseries, “Traffic” was a box office hit as well as a critical darling, and it paved the way for HBO’s “The Wire.”

3. ‘Out of Sight’ (1998)
The director’s fascination with crime was never sexier than in this adaptation of an Elmore Leonard novel about a suave bank robber (played by George Clooney in the first of his six collaborations with Soderbergh) who develops a mutual attraction with a U.S. marshal (Jennifer Lopez). Coolly seductive and playful, the movie thrives on the chemistry between its stars and on Soderbergh’s effortless ability to inject personality into a potboiler.

4. ‘Ocean’s Eleven’ (2001)
It’s his biggest commercial success to date ($183 million in the U.S., $451 million worldwide); it’s a remake; and it inspired two sequels. The man who was once the face of indie filmmaking went Hollywood here — and guess what? He proved as adept at popcorn fluff as he is at more thoughtful fare. Boasting a huge, charismatic cast — Clooney! Pitt! Damon! Roberts! — this is one of the rare remakes that improves on the original, a sleek, jaunty heist caper that demonstrates how much fun you can have making a movie.

5. ‘The Informant!‘ (2009)
It was another eight years before Soderbergh exhibited the kind of playfulness that made “Ocean’s Eleven” a hit, and while “The Informant!” didn’t do nearly as well, it’s even loopier and more creative. Matt Damon shines as a naive, talkative corporate whistle-blower, surrounded by a funny supporting cast and buoyed by a kitschy Marvin Hamlisch musical score. Just when you think you know where it’s going, Soderbergh takes you down a different path (the true story it’s based on is equally bizarre), providing an odd, provocative character study.

Bottom 5:

1. ‘Full Frontal’ (2002)
Soderbergh had experimented before, and he’d made a film with a large all-star cast. In “Full Frontal,” he combined the two, and man, what a wreck. Semi-improvised by actors who clearly were not adept at improvisation, this tedious, navel-gazing rumination about Hollywood is almost insufferable.

2. ‘Kafka’ (1991)
Talented though he is, Soderbergh was not immune to the sophomore slump. His follow-up to “sex, lies, and videotape” was this strange mystery that’s partly an adaptation of Franz Kafka’s fiction and partly a biography of him. Yet even here, in a misfire, Soderbergh’s talent shone through. Vincent Canby was not alone among critics in calling it “a very bad well-directed movie.”

3. ‘The Underneath’ (1995)
Remaking the 1949 film noir “Criss Cross,” Soderbergh showed that there’s only so much a good director can do with a weak screenplay (which he co-wrote) and formulaic material.

4. ‘Schizopolis’ (1996)
Soderbergh has never been more eccentric, more self-indulgent and more fascinatingly off-target than in this absurd, non-linear experiment in which he also starred. You can admire his boldness, and occasionally laugh at the gags, but this mostly comes off as a juvenile embarrassment.

5. ‘Ocean’s Twelve’ (2004)
Having scored a critical, commercial and artistic success with “Ocean’s Eleven,” Soderbergh here fell victim to a common Hollywood trap: trying to do it again without realizing what made it work the first time. “Ocean’s Twelve” isn’t a terrible movie, but it wastes many of its cast members, introduces too many new ones, takes the action out of Las Vegas and generally reeks of indulgence.

Categories: Lists

Tags: Behind the Candelabra, benicio del toro, brad pitt, channing tatum, Elmore Leonard, Full Frontal, george clooney, jennifer lopez, julia roberts, Kafka, Magic Mike, matt damon, Ocean's Eleven, Ocean's Twelve, Out of Sight, Schizopolis, sex lies and videotape, Side Effects, steven soderbergh, Terence Stamp, the informant!, the limey, The Underneath, Top 5/Bottom 5, traffic, Magic Mike, Out of Sight, Traffic, George Clooney, Steven Soderbergh, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Jennifer Lopez, Side Effects, sex, lies, and videotape, Behind the Candelabra, The Limey, Ocean's Eleven, The Informant, Full Frontal, Kafka, The Underneath, Schizopolis, Ocean's Twelve, Terence Stamp, Benicio Del Toro, Julia Roberts Previous article Lessons Learned at the 2013 Golden Globes Next article Movies Streaming/On Demand This Week: ‘Taken 2,’ ‘Paranormal Activity 4' & More

Top 5/Bottom 5: Natural Disaster Movies

In honor of Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor’s devastating tsunami extravaganza “The Impossible,” we thought we’d dust off the ol’ archives to see how Hollywood has portrayed angry and destructive nature in cinema. The answer? Not spectacularly well; in fact, two of our “best” selections came from this year! Sadly, it seems as though when Hollywood delivers natural disasters, they serve them up with heaping gobs of schmaltz and melodrama. Still, let’s take a look at the best and worst of natural disasters.

Top Five

5. “Armageddon”
Disaster: An asteroid the size of Texas is headed toward Earth.
Solution: Send a bunch of deep sea oil drillers (including Bruce Willis) up to space, to erm, drill a nuke into the asteroid. *cough*
Explanation: I know “Armageddon” has its fair share of detractors, but compared to “Deep Impact” it is a gem. Plus, inspired performances from Steve Buscemi, Billy Bob Thornton, and Owen Wilson make this film eminently re-watachable. And Charlton Heston narrates! Plus, “Armageddon” was one of the privileged few films to receive a Criterion Edition , and you know those guys wouldn’t choose a lemon. Lastly, this movie has the following scene, which will remain hilarious ad infinitum:

4. “Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Disaster: A giant storm causes a massive flood, and the Arctic ice starts breaking, sending frozen Aurochs toward the Louisiana bayou.
Solution: Blow up the levee (but don’t take your Chevy).
Explanation: I told you it was slim pickings, so Best Picture candidate “Beasts of the Southern Wild” has as solid a claim as anybody. Additionally, young actress Quvenzhane Wallis is extremely buzzy right now.

3. “Titanic”
Disaster: Icebergs, dude, icebergs.
Solution: Sink to the bottom of the ocean. No, it wasn’t the best of outcomes, but there weren’t a bevy of great options.
Explanation: Well, something like 400 million people have seen this one, and you know what they say . Now I’m not admitting I sing the “Titanic” song in my shower, but I’m not saying I don’t either. Once more … you opeeeeeen the door.

2. “Moonrise Kingdom”
Disaster: A hurricane, lightning.
Solution: As per normal, Bruce Willis .
Explanation: Wes Anderson’s latest modern classic features dynamite dialogue juxtaposed against a hurricane backdrop. Children performing dialogue way too mature for their age? Automatic silver medal!

1. “The Perfect Storm”
Disaster: The Halloween Nor-easter of 1991.
Solution: In an ending that left me emotionally beaten and battered, the clip embedded below.
Explanation: There simply isn’t a better natural disaster film than “The Perfect Storm,” a testament to nature’s fury. If you can watch this film without shedding a tear, I’d urge you to get those tear ducts checked. Simply a phenomenal film.

Bottom Five

5. “Twister”
Disaster: Tornados.
Solution: Stop driving around in tornados.
Explanation: This was one the early adopters of the whole “effects over story” phenomenon, an issue that continues to this day. The only two redeeming qualities of “Twister” are 1. Philip Seymour Hoffman and 2. The amazing trailer voice guy featured at the beginning of the trailer below.

4. “Daylight”
Disaster: A tunnel cave in caused by toxic waste, diamonds, and other assorted shenanigans.
Solution: Explosives.
Explanation: Sure, we’re stretching a bit to even include “Daylight,” but I think everyone has forgotten just how terrible this film is. I love that they play the trailer as a “Drama / Thriller” when it’s actually a Melodrama / Stinker. Bright side: it’s available on videocassette AND laser disc!

3. “Sanctum”
Disaster: A cyclone causes the caves the intrepid spelunkers are exploring to flood.
Solution: Attempt to find a way to the surface … or just stay out of caves altogether.
Explanation: James Cameron giveth (“Titanic”) and taketh away (he produced “Sanctum”). The most awful thing about this film is the dialogue. No wait, the faux peril! Ugh, but what about the wooden acting? The great part about “Sanctum” is you don’t have to choose, it’s all world-class terrible.

2. “Poseidon”
Disaster: A rogue wave.
Solution: Something about getting to the bow thrusters? And blowing up propellers? It was all rather difficult to follow.
Explanation: The good news is the studio had to have lost money on this turkey. As we watched “Poseidon” the very real question presented itself “What if you were trapped … in a terrible movie?” My next query is why every bad disaster film has to have that scene where someone is hanging off a cliff and has to kick another person off to live? I hate that scene. That scene can’t possibly happen often enough to require repeated renditions.

1. “2012?
Disaster: The Mayans and something to do with the alignment of the planets.
Solution: Giant ocean-going vessels built with cheap labor.
Explanation: I will admit, in my weaker moments, to watching “2012? on cable. It’s so terrible that I’m forced to consider it, if only to make sense the creative world that could even create it. My other vivid memory of “2012? is sitting in Comic Con and listening to Roland Emmerich as he was asked if the Mayan prophecy was real. He said something to the effect of “Maybe”. Can you beat that? It’s unbelievable the lengths some folks will go to for marketing. For the record, Roland, the whole Mayan deal is a freaking typo. The more you know!

Categories: Lists

Tags: 2012, armageddon, Beasts of the Southern Wild, The Perfect Storm, titanic, Titanic, Beasts of the Southern Wild, The Perfect Storm