WTF? Random Twitter Guy Quoted in ‘A Haunted House’ TV Ad

Ancient Chinese Proverb: Be wary of TV pull quotes.

If you took more than a passing glance at his Twitter feed or Facebook profile, you’d know that Steven Cuellar is your average gay Texas dude with a dead boyfriend working at Dave & Busters who loves his nephew, Justin Bieber, and margaritas… In that order.

One thing Steven Cuellar is not is a movie critic, either professionally or even at an amateur blogging level. You wouldn’t know that from a recent spree of TV commercials for the Wayans Brothers atrocity “A Haunted House,” because they use a quote from Cuellar’s Twitter account, which currently has 43 followers.

The quote? “Funniest Movie Ever!”

Not to knock a cheap “Paranormal Activity” parody before having seen it, but it’s fair to say Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Woody Allen, Richard Pryor, Mel Brooks, Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, The Zucker Bros, The Coen Bros, The Farrelly Bros, Judd Apatow, Chris Tucker, and even motherflippin’ Burt Reynolds would have a word or two with Cuellar around the subject of “hyperbole.”

That’s beside the point, though, because Open Road Films is the culprit behind this sleaze-a-rific promotional move. They apparently just grabbed the quote, presumably because Cuellar is the only person in the universe that would like it enough to make that statement (and want to see it again to boot).

At first Cuellar was tickled by it:
“OH THE CELEB THAT I AM. They put my name on the commercials for the trailer #AHauntedHouse cuz of the tweet I posted.”

Then the Twitter trolls swooped in to bombard him, like Jared Tikker who wrote:
@cuellarsteven27 you should see the footage of my dad’s colonoscopy, you’d piss yourself laughing so hard. #funniestmovieEVER

Now its gotten to the point that Cuellar’s 15 minutes of fame has turned into 15 minutes of pain, as when someone asked him how he got in the commercial:
“@Mr_Alexius I have no idea.. I had no clue… The past two days I’ve been getting attacked by everyone by that. I had nothing to do with it.”

Poor Steven! You didn’t know that before they start reviewing movies most professional critics are taken for a two-week boot camp where they’re berated by fat internet nerds and beaten with bars of soap inside a sock. We’re conditioned for this kind of punishment, and you are not. If only Open Road had warned you…

Of course this is not even close to the first time a studio has tried to scam the public through TV commercials, with Sony using a made-up guy named “David Manning” to promote pictures like “The Patriot,” “Hollow Man,” and Rob Schneider’s comedic excrement “The Animal.”

Even when the quotes are “legit,” they’re about as sincere as Pinocchio in a bordello. Hell, I personally have been quoted positively in an ad for a movie I only saw half of. For reals. If you’re curious about the process by which pull quotes are divined by the cosmos, let me take you through it:

1. A film journalist gets invited either personally or through his/her outlet to a screening, taking discreet sips of whiskey (smuggled in a Vitamin Water bottle) throughout.

2. After the film is over they take two Dramamine, then the bus home to their sh***y one-bedroom apartment where an e-mail from a studio rep asks, “Hi! Would love to hear your thoughts on the film!”

3. The weary journo writes: “It’s like if Batman held a nursing home hostage and cried the whole time, and then Nicole Kidman made him magically not dying of cancer all of the sudden.”

4. Studio writes back: “Thanks! Can we have permission to quote you in some advertising? We’d like to shorten the quote slightly to read, ‘It’s the next BATMAN! Nicole Kidman is sensational!’”

5: Journo writes back: “Fine.”

And here’s Steven Cuellar’s fifteen characters of fame, as it hatched:

So given the BS process through which studios go fishing with dynamite for quotes, is using random Joe the Plumbers off Twitter in commercials all that much more disingenuous? All I know is, in an age when we invite our privacy to be invaded through social media, this has been a big week for Steven Cuellar. Also, he’s getting a birthday tattoo on Sunday. Good for you, buddy!

Categories: Features

Tags: A Haunted House, reviews, twitter, Twitter Famous, A Haunted House

The 9 Most Random Movie Promos of All Time

A movie’s success is all about its dramatic story compelling characters ability to be marketed. After all, it’s through marketing promotions and tie-ins that current films get seared into our little movie-loving brains—which is why Hollywood sometimes spends a bigger budget promoting its favorite moneymaking projects than actually making them. (Yes, that really happens, and more often than you think.)

So it should come as no surprise that the powers-that-be have come up with some pretty unique ways to promote their films over the years. From 007 nail polish (we didn’t realize this special agent had a penchant for glittery lacquers) to a “Truffula Tree Friendly” Mazda to G.I. Joe shampoo, Tinseltown has a way of tying in just about everything imaginable to one movie or another… whether the promotion makes a lot of sense or not. In honor of this, uh, “creativity,” we’ve compiled a list of some of our favorite promos over the years. Enjoy.

1. “Skyfall” OPI Collection

We already knew 007 likes his martinis shaken and his cars fast, but did you know he likes his nail polish… sparkly? Neither did we. But the makers of OPI Nail Lacquer obviously have classified information we don’t, as the brand has launched a holiday collection in honor of everyone’s favorite spy that features brilliant colors including Her Majesty’s Secret Service (a silvery blue) and Live and Let Die (a metallic-flecked forest green)—so there’s a shade for every Bond Girl on your list.

2. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Cereal

Yes, this was a real product. Back in the ’80s and ’90s, a gentleman by the name of Ralston Purina (of dog food fame) was the king of food item tie-ins for movies. One of his more creative launches was a breakfast cereal based on the teen comedy hit “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” It didn’t last long. Guess the adventure was more excellent than the breakfast kibble.

3. Ghiradelli “Twilight” Delight

First, there was Turkish Delight. Now there is Twilight Delight. Yes, the famed chocolatier has created a 72% Cacao Intense Dark chocolate bar in honor of everyone’s favorite vegetarian vamps. While we’re not sure whether little Renesmee pines for sweets, we sure do, so though it’s mighty random, we still approve.

4. “G.I. Joe” Shampoo

He’s a real American hero—both on the battlefield and in the shower, apparently. It would have been hard to tell if he really did have shiny, bouncy locks, after all, since he’s never pictured without a hat or helmet. So when these bottles hit the shelves (another ’80s marketing ploy) it’s no surprise they failed to convince young soldiers to lather, rinse and repeat any more than every other shampoo that came before.

5. “Truffula Tree Friendly” Mazda CX-5

We’ll admit, this one gave us pause. Back when “The Lorax” hit theaters, Mazda launched an ad campaign touting its new CX-5 as… well… here’s the voice-over from the ad. “Who delivers outstanding fuel efficiency without compromising the joy of driving? Mazda with sky-active technology. And who received the only certified Truffula Tree Seal of Approval? Mazda with sky-active technology.” We’re still not sure what sky-active technology is, but does that even matter? The Lorax seems happy and that’s good enough for us.

6. HP Campaign to “Print Like the Lorax”

In all our memories of Dr. Seuss, we don’t recall any stories featuring boatloads of paperwork, but maybe times are changing? In yet another far reach at a marketing partnership, HP encourages us to “print like the Lorax.” That seems a little counter-productive since this little guy’s trying to save the trees, which– last time we checked– were used to make most printing paper. The marketing powers in charge do make some reference to these products being “greener”… but it sure seems like making digital copies would be more Lorax-like.

7. “Star Trek” Waffles

Hmm. We’re not sure whether Captain Kirk and co. noshed on waffles in deep space, but (more importantly) we’re not sure whether we want to either. However, that didn’t stop Eggo from releasing an entire line of limited edition “Star Trek” waffles. The impressive series featured a whopping twenty-five different images, icons and phrases from the franchise. So grab some maple syrup and ask Scotty to beam you up. Or not.

8. Star Trek Casket

Yes. This happened. Eternal Image, a… uh… novelty casket manufacturer, designed a casket based on the Photon Torpedo coffin used in “Stark Trek II: Wrath of Khan.” Not into being buried in the ground, but a super-fan of the franchise? Not to worry, they have “Star Trek” burial urns as well. All we can say is… live well and prosper?

9. “Sherlock Holmes” for 7-11

This one just made us sad. We never really wanted to see one of the greatest crime-solving icons in history hawking coffee in paper cups at a convenience store we usually only stop at when there’s a (serious) need for the bathroom during a long drive. But back in 2009 when “Sherlock Holmes” hit the silver screen, he hit up these mini-marts as well. Why? Because nothing screams British detectives like 99-cent taquitos. Wait.

Categories: Features

Tags: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, sherlock holmes, Skyfall, star trek