2012 Film Titles: A Dramatic Reading

And now, a playlet in which the dialogue is composed entirely of 2012 movie titles.

[A guy and his girlfriend are driving around in his car.]

GUY: On the road. Wanderlust! Where do we go now, amour?
GIRL: The best exotic marigold hotel?
GUY: [shaking his head] Safety not guaranteed. The innkeepers: lawless headhunters, beasts of the Southern wild.
GIRL: Moonrise Kingdom? Hotel Transylvania?
GUY: I wish! This is not a film.
GIRL: “Casa de mi padre.”
GUY: The cabin in the woods?
GIRL: The house I live in. Safe house, silent house.
GUY: Safe?! No. Battleship! What to expect when you’re expecting parental guidance: a thousand words. The guilt trip. Sleepless night. Sound of noise. The impossible hysteria!
GIRL: Hope springs…
GUY: The dictator — the master — the man with the iron fists won’t back down! This means war.
GIRL: [scoffing] Think like a man, goon!
GUY: [relenting] Compliance. Brave act of valor for greater glory…

[They drive toward her neighborhood.]

GIRL: 21 Jump Street.
GUY: This is 40…
GIRL: House at the end of the street.
GUY: Trouble with the curve… [stops] This must be the place.

[They see someone in the window of the house and squint to look closer.]

GIRL: Keep the lights on. The grey, dark shadows sparkle…
GUY: [gasps] Holy motors! The devil inside!
GIRL: The queen of Versailles??
GUY: My worst nightmare: your sister’s sister!
GIRL: The woman in black?!
GUY: Sinister, haywire American animal!
GIRL: Hit and run!

[But before Guy can pull away from the curb, Girl's parents have spotted them and come outside.]

MOTHER: Thunderstruck! Big miracle!
FATHER: Lovely Molly!
MOTHER: Joyful noise! Unconditional good deeds!

[They get out of the car. Girl hugs her parents; Guy shakes their hands.]

FATHER: Ted.
GUY: Bernie.
FATHER: The five-year engagement…
GUY: Here comes the boom.
FATHER: Playing for keeps?
GUY: Save the date around June. A royal affair!
FATHER: The vow? That’s my boy!
GIRL: [whispering] Man on a ledge…
GUY: [whispering] Little white lies. Killing them softly.

[They all go inside, where it turns out many of the Girl's other family members are gathered.]

GIRL: [introducing her boyfriend to everyone] The collection: Jack Reacher, John Carter, Alex Cross, Ruby Sparks, Magic Mike, Wreck-It Ralph, Killer Joe…
GUY: People like us? High school friends with kids?
GIRL: [under her breath] Seven psychopaths. Savages.
KILLER JOE: [shaking Guy's hand] Hello, I must be going. Project X contraband stolen. [confidentially] Kill list.

[He exits.]

GUY: The lucky one.
GIRL: [looking around] The other son? Jeff, who lives at home?
MOTHER: Gone chasing mavericks. Two days in New York, flight to Rome with love, salmon fishing in the Yemen!
FATHER: [rolling his eyes] Liberal arts.
MOTHER: The odd life of Timothy Green!
GUY: [gesturing at unmentioned young boy] The kid with a bike?
FATHER: The imposter.
MOTHER: The paperboy.
PAPERBOY: Chronicle!
FATHER: Shut up and play the hits, fun size! “Rock of Ages”!

[The Paperboy commences his duties as DJ for the family gathering, puts on some Def Leppard.]

FATHER: [satisfied] Pitch perfect!

[Girl's sister sidles up to Guy, clearly very drunk.]

GIRL’S SISTER: Searching for Sugar Man. Seeking a friend for the end of the world? Sleepwalk with me??
GUY: [seeking help] Darling companion! How to survive a plague?
GIRL’S SISTER: For a good time, call–
GIRL: Take this waltz, Anna Karenina.
GIRL’S SISTER: [as she leaves] Bully!
GIRL: [to Guy] Girl in progress. Smashed.
GUY: The perks of being a wallflower.

[Meteor falls from sky, hits Earth, kills all. The end.]

Categories: Features

Tags: Amour, Battleship, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Casa de mi Padre, Hotel Transylvania, Moonrise Kingdom, On the Road, Safe House, Safety Not Guaranteed, Silent House, the best exotic marigold hotel, the cabin in the woods, The House I Live In, The innkeepers: lawless headhunters, the master, This is Not A Film, Wanderlust, What to Expect when you're Expecting, Where do we go now, Moonrise Kingdom, The Master, On the Road, Amour

The 100 Worst Movie Titles Ever

There are some great movie titles in the annals of film history: “Casablanca,” “Citizen Kane,” “Inglourious Basterds” … “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” But they can’t all be winners. For every “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” there’s a ”Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.” And for every “Skyfall,” there’s a “Quantum of Solace.”

What in God’s name is a quantum of solace???

Ignoring the deliberately bad titles of B-movies — who are we to judge the glorious absurdity of “The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies” — we’ve compiled a list of 100 heinous-title offenders, in descending order of horribleness.

100 – “Trouble With the Curve”
99 – “Crazy, Stupid, Love.”
98 – “That Was Then… This Is Now”
97 – “eXistenZ”
96 – “Star Trek Into Darkness”
95 – “The Pianist”
94 – “Prêt-à-Porter”
93 – “The Shawshank Redemption”
92 – “Seeking Justice”
91 – “Operation Dumbo Drop”
90 – “Matchstick Men”
89 – “Bounce”
88 – “Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace”
87 – “Martha Marcy May Marlene”
86 – “Failure to Launch”
85 – “I Love Trouble”
84 – “The World Is Not Enough”
83 – “We Bought a Zoo”
82 – “Teaching Mrs. Tingle”
81 – “The Hudsucker Proxy”
80 – “Soul Plane”
79 – “Pokemon: The Movie 2000?
78 – “Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You”
77 – “Lullaby For Pi”
76 – “V.I Warshawski”
75 – “Cowboys & Aliens”
74 – “Friday After Next”
73 – “Live Free or Die Hard”
72 – “So I Married an Ax Murderer”
71 – “High School Musical”
70 – “Leonard Part 6?
69 – “Chasing Mavericks”
68 – “The Constant Gardener”
67 – “Little Fockers”
66 – “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”
65 – “The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas”
64 – “How Do You Know”
63 – “ I Don’t Know How She Does It”
62 – “Any Which Way You Can”
61 – “Riding in Cars with Boys”
60 – “Blackenstein”
59 – “Don’t Tell Mom, The Babysitter’s Dead”
58 – “Baby Geniuses”
57 – “The Family Stone”
56 – “The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep”
55 – “The Day After Tomorrow”
54 – “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”
53 – “Up Close and Personal”
52 – “K-19: The Widowmaker”
51 – “Did You Hear About the Morgans?”
50 – “Gigli”
49 – “Honey I Shrunk the Kids”
48 – “How the West Was Fun”
47 – “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo”
46 – “Herbie: Fully Loaded”
45 – “C.H.U.D.”
44 – “Angels in the Outfield”
43 – “The Men Who Stare at Goats”
42 – “Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married Too?”
41 – “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan”
40 – “The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain”
39 – “No”
38 – “O”
37 – “Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole”
36 – “Are We Done Yet?”
35 – “I ? Huckabees”
34 – “Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd”
33 – “Dreamer: Inspired By a True Story”
32 – “To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar”
31 – “Zzyzx Road”
30 – “Octopussy”
29 – “Drop Dead Fred”
28 – “Quantum of Solace”
27 – “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”
26 – “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”
25 – “My Left Foot”
24 – “Who’s Your Caddy”
23 – “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry”
22- “Shark Boy and Lava Girl”
21- “Quackser Fortune Has a Cousin in the Bronx”
20 – “From Justin to Kelly”
19 – “Surfer, Dude”
18 – “Judy Moody and the NOT Bummer Summer”
17 – “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium”
16 – “Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life”
15 – “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector”
14 – “Dr. T and the Women”
13 – “Phfft!”
12 – “The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood”
11 – “Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous”
10 – “The Hottie and the Nottie”
9 – “Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties”
8 – “8 Heads in a Duffle Bag”
7 – “ 2 Fast, 2 Furious”
6 – “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked”
5 – “F.A.R.T: The Movie”
4 – “Lucky Number Slevin”
3 – “Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel”
2 – “Freddy Got Fingered”
1 – “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever”

Categories: Lists

Tags: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, quantum of solace, Skyfall, Worst Movie Titles