Trailer Showdown: Ain’t Them The Week’s Best New Trailers

Get ready for the fast, the furious, the incredible Trailer Showdown! That special time of the week we called “Friday,” where we rank the trailers of the past week from best to worst, hopefully sparking your interest in the good ones and providing a safe place for commiserating over the terrible ones.

This was one of the most pitiful weeks on record, with only a handful of new trailers to sort out. Nevertheless, we’ve got your dinosaurs, your kidnapped kids, your animated family features, your distinctive indie film and of course, your machine gun bra-wearing babe-filled blood bath. Pick your poison, gentle reader.

Let’s delve into the few trailers we were given! If you feel like we got it right, let us know in the comments below.

1.) ‘Ain’t Them Bodies Saints’ (BEST OF THE WEEK)

The wild tale of an outlaw who escapes prison and sets out to reunite with the wife he loved and the daughter he’s never met. Bold, beautiful, dusky and vibrant all at once, this movie was positively the darling of the Sundance Film Festival this year, and deservedly so. While this trailer seems to give away quite a bit of the story, it still reserves the greatest secrets for the long form film. It’s lovely to see Rooney Mara a little softer, a little maternal, while still holding her edge, and Casey Affleck plays this kind of deranged reckless man so well, it’s phenomenal casting and acting all around. Is it too early to call it for an Oscar nod for this little film?
Starring: Rooney Mara, Ben Foster, Casey Affleck
Release Date: August 16, 2013

2.) ‘Prisoners’

NO THIS MOVIE IS TOO SAD. The dark and twisted story of two families and their little girls who go missing from the neighborhood, the policeman who vows to bring them back, and the father determined to see his daughter again. High Jackman looks positively riveting as the worried father who refuses to let his daughter go, and Jake Gyllenhaal impresses as a cop who is equally steadfast in his desire to save the little girls. Gyllenhaal as a cop works big time, as we all know from “End of Watch” and there’s finally some justice in the world if creepy Paul Dano is cast as a suspected kidnapper. While this story looks to be heartbreaking, a talented cast and a divisive script makes this absolutely one to watch.
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Viola Davis
Release Date: September 20, 2013

3.) ‘Planes’

Because apparently someone wanted to see yet another weird half-sequel to “Cars” but this time it’s with planes? The plot of this animate feature film will evaporate from your mind the moment you finish watching the trailer, but ughhhh, it’s Pixar so it gets a light pass, and ughhhh, it’s a kids movie and kids will probably love it but, ughhhhhhhh, Dane Cook stars in it because OF COURSE HE DOES. While the plot centers around a little crop-dusting plane that wants to maybe be a big-time racer, there seems to be way too many characters to even keep straight and not enough story going on. Godspeed to those of you who will have to see this with your adorable child in tow.
Starring: Val Kilmer, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Teri Hatcher
Release Date: August 9, 2013

4.) ‘Machete Kills’

Who even cares what the plot of this movie is? All you need is to hear Sofia Vergara’s wild woman scream and see her machine gun bra glinting in the sunlight or see Lady Gaga-as-upside-down-Andy-Warhol-painting loping up a dirty highway to know that there’s a place in this weird world even for you, and yes, you’ve found it. Welcome home! Mel Gibson? Charlie Sheen? This movie was literally crafted from the strangest possible ingredients and here’s hoping they make a tasty brew. Director Rodriguez follows up his 2010 flick “Machete” with this bloodbath and there’s sure to be plenty of brawn, boobs and bloodshed all over the place. Which may not be a bad thing!
Starring: Mel Gibson, Jessica Alba, Alexa Vega
Release Date: September 13, 2013

5.) ‘Monsters University’

Usually we’re opposed to re-releasing trailers since studios tend to release about a million trailers for the same movie over a couple months, but this trailer for “Monsters University” really gives us a great taste of the hilarity to come from this quirky animated sequel to the beloved “Monsters Inc.” Mike and Sulley are in college this time, and we get a look at the inner workings of monster life, the ups and downs and Mike’s journey towards becoming the best scare-er ever. While this is a sequel, Pixar did it right and this one looks to be charming and hilarious.
Starring: Nathan Fillion, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi
Release Date: June 21, 2013

6.) ‘Walking with Dinosaurs: 3-D’

OKAY, first of all there appears to be a scene in this movie where one dinosaur knocks a T-Rex’s TEETH OUT BY HEAD BUTTING HIM. Could there be any greater moment committed to film? I contend that, no, there cannot be. Following a baby dinosaur from egg to… well, it looks like maybe to extinction judging from the hell-fire raining from the skies. Honestly, the Christmastime release date is angling for families to enter into this “immersive” experience, learning about what it was like to be a real dinosaur. However, this movie looks like it may terrify a small child, and the if I was a little kid and I saw this, it might be even worse than the “Land Before Time” series in terms of depressing. Experience life with the dinosaurs at your own risk.
Starring: Charlie Rowe, Angourie Rice
Release Date: December 20, 2013

Come back next week for more rankings and way more trailers!

Categories: Columns, Trailer Roundup

Tags: Ain’t Them Bodies Saints, Machete kills, Monsters University, Prisoners, Trailer showdown, Trailers