Trailer Showdown: Ain’t Them The Week’s Best New Trailers

Get ready for the fast, the furious, the incredible Trailer Showdown! That special time of the week we called “Friday,” where we rank the trailers of the past week from best to worst, hopefully sparking your interest in the good ones and providing a safe place for commiserating over the terrible ones.

This was one of the most pitiful weeks on record, with only a handful of new trailers to sort out. Nevertheless, we’ve got your dinosaurs, your kidnapped kids, your animated family features, your distinctive indie film and of course, your machine gun bra-wearing babe-filled blood bath. Pick your poison, gentle reader.

Let’s delve into the few trailers we were given! If you feel like we got it right, let us know in the comments below.

1.) ‘Ain’t Them Bodies Saints’ (BEST OF THE WEEK)

The wild tale of an outlaw who escapes prison and sets out to reunite with the wife he loved and the daughter he’s never met. Bold, beautiful, dusky and vibrant all at once, this movie was positively the darling of the Sundance Film Festival this year, and deservedly so. While this trailer seems to give away quite a bit of the story, it still reserves the greatest secrets for the long form film. It’s lovely to see Rooney Mara a little softer, a little maternal, while still holding her edge, and Casey Affleck plays this kind of deranged reckless man so well, it’s phenomenal casting and acting all around. Is it too early to call it for an Oscar nod for this little film?
Starring: Rooney Mara, Ben Foster, Casey Affleck
Release Date: August 16, 2013

2.) ‘Prisoners’

NO THIS MOVIE IS TOO SAD. The dark and twisted story of two families and their little girls who go missing from the neighborhood, the policeman who vows to bring them back, and the father determined to see his daughter again. High Jackman looks positively riveting as the worried father who refuses to let his daughter go, and Jake Gyllenhaal impresses as a cop who is equally steadfast in his desire to save the little girls. Gyllenhaal as a cop works big time, as we all know from “End of Watch” and there’s finally some justice in the world if creepy Paul Dano is cast as a suspected kidnapper. While this story looks to be heartbreaking, a talented cast and a divisive script makes this absolutely one to watch.
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Viola Davis
Release Date: September 20, 2013

3.) ‘Planes’

Because apparently someone wanted to see yet another weird half-sequel to “Cars” but this time it’s with planes? The plot of this animate feature film will evaporate from your mind the moment you finish watching the trailer, but ughhhh, it’s Pixar so it gets a light pass, and ughhhh, it’s a kids movie and kids will probably love it but, ughhhhhhhh, Dane Cook stars in it because OF COURSE HE DOES. While the plot centers around a little crop-dusting plane that wants to maybe be a big-time racer, there seems to be way too many characters to even keep straight and not enough story going on. Godspeed to those of you who will have to see this with your adorable child in tow.
Starring: Val Kilmer, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Teri Hatcher
Release Date: August 9, 2013

4.) ‘Machete Kills’

Who even cares what the plot of this movie is? All you need is to hear Sofia Vergara’s wild woman scream and see her machine gun bra glinting in the sunlight or see Lady Gaga-as-upside-down-Andy-Warhol-painting loping up a dirty highway to know that there’s a place in this weird world even for you, and yes, you’ve found it. Welcome home! Mel Gibson? Charlie Sheen? This movie was literally crafted from the strangest possible ingredients and here’s hoping they make a tasty brew. Director Rodriguez follows up his 2010 flick “Machete” with this bloodbath and there’s sure to be plenty of brawn, boobs and bloodshed all over the place. Which may not be a bad thing!
Starring: Mel Gibson, Jessica Alba, Alexa Vega
Release Date: September 13, 2013

5.) ‘Monsters University’

Usually we’re opposed to re-releasing trailers since studios tend to release about a million trailers for the same movie over a couple months, but this trailer for “Monsters University” really gives us a great taste of the hilarity to come from this quirky animated sequel to the beloved “Monsters Inc.” Mike and Sulley are in college this time, and we get a look at the inner workings of monster life, the ups and downs and Mike’s journey towards becoming the best scare-er ever. While this is a sequel, Pixar did it right and this one looks to be charming and hilarious.
Starring: Nathan Fillion, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi
Release Date: June 21, 2013

6.) ‘Walking with Dinosaurs: 3-D’

OKAY, first of all there appears to be a scene in this movie where one dinosaur knocks a T-Rex’s TEETH OUT BY HEAD BUTTING HIM. Could there be any greater moment committed to film? I contend that, no, there cannot be. Following a baby dinosaur from egg to… well, it looks like maybe to extinction judging from the hell-fire raining from the skies. Honestly, the Christmastime release date is angling for families to enter into this “immersive” experience, learning about what it was like to be a real dinosaur. However, this movie looks like it may terrify a small child, and the if I was a little kid and I saw this, it might be even worse than the “Land Before Time” series in terms of depressing. Experience life with the dinosaurs at your own risk.
Starring: Charlie Rowe, Angourie Rice
Release Date: December 20, 2013

Come back next week for more rankings and way more trailers!

Categories: Columns, Trailer Roundup

Tags: Ain’t Them Bodies Saints, Machete kills, Monsters University, Prisoners, Trailer showdown, Trailers

Trailer Showdown: Ranking the Week’s Best New Trailers (Jeunet Returns!)

Time for what? Let me hear it. TRAILER SHOWDOWN! That’s right, it’s Friday and time for us to rank the trailers released this week from very best to the very worst.

This week we’ve got a veritable smorgasbord of tasty treats, just barely lounging into fall and smaller indie films certainly seem to rule the day, from small town growing up in “The Young and Prodigious Spivet” and “As Cool As I Am” to films with loads of star power like “We’re the Millers” and “Don Jon”. In any case, whether your tastes range from the wild to the mundane, there’s a movie here that you’re sure to love.

Enough with the blathering, on to the rankings! If you feel like we got it right, let us know in the comments below.

1.) ‘The Young and Prodigious Spivet’

Best of the Week: In this stylized and kinda weird movie from director Jean-Pierre Jeunet, a young inventor takes off on his own, leaving his family behind as he travels to Washington D.C. to accept a prize from the Smithsonian Institute. As long-winded and wild as Jeunet’s films can be, there’s something lovable about this premise of striking out on your own and it’ll be nice to see Helena Bonham Carter not in an unrecognizable wild get-up.
Starring: Helena Bonham Carter, Robert Maillet, Niamh Wilson
Release Date: 2013

2.) ‘Deceptive Practice: The Mysteries and Mentors of Ricky Jay’

A documentary look at one of the finest magicians and tricksters operating in the world today, Ricky Jay is the best of the best practitioners of entertaining deception. This film sees Jay at many ages performing tricks of all kinds, as well as features interviews with his collaborators and mentors. A must-see for any fan of magic and any fan of this wonderfully talented man.
Starring: Ricky Jay
Release Date: 2013

3.) ‘As Cool As I Am’

A coming of age story of a responsible teenager who is trying to make a life with her self-centered parents, who had her when they were teens themselves. Babies raisin’ babies, man, but this looks especially touching and has a flair of the unique about it. Claire Danes is perfectly suited to the role of a selfish mom, and the struggle for happiness is at the center of all human existence. And stuff, you know.
Starring: Claire Danes, James Marsden, Thomas Mann
Release Date: June 21, 2013

4.) ‘Don Jon’

Girls! Pad! Gym! Porn! In this directorial debut from Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the writer/director also stars as a sex-obsessed Italian Jersey boy, who is happily stuck in his ways until he meets a voluptuous, gorgeous girl. The film looks chock full of hilariousness, perfectly weird and it’s fantastic to see Gordon-Levitt branching out from acting to other creative pursuits.
Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Scarlett Johansson, Julianne Moore
Release Date: October 18, 2013

5.) ‘Europa Report’

A thriller that finds a group of astronauts on a mysterious mission to one of Jupiter’s moons. What begins as a simple journey quickly unfolds into a terrifying nightmare. Yep, that’s about it. OH WAIT NO. This space odyssey looks too wonderful to be spoiled, so maybe watch the trailer with one eye shut.
Starring: Sharlto Copley, Michael Nyqvist, Christian Camargo
Release Date: June 27, 2013

6.) ‘Blood Ties’

A sprawling, complicated view of familial ties and broken relationships in the ’70s, Clive Owen and Billy Crudup face off as brothers on opposite sides of the law. This film is riddled with talent, and has all the makings of an emotional powerhouse. Billy Crudup can totally be in all the movies set in the ’70s ’cause he always does it right.
Starring: Zoe Saldana, Mila Kunis, Marion Cotillard, Clive Owen
Release Date: 2013

7.) ‘Maniac’

Elijah Wood playing a serial killer? Yes, please. In this first person POV thriller, he plays the owner of a mannequin shop who kills for sport and pleasure. The premise seems grisly but the execution (pardon my pun) might just be perfection. Wood as a murderer has a kind of perfect symmetry to it as well, and it’ll be fun to see him descend into the darker, creepier side of his personality.
Starring: Elijah Wood, America Olivo, Nora Arnezeder
Release Date: June 21, 2013

8.) ‘Byzantium’

Though we’ve featured this one before, there’s never a bad time for vampires!! A centuries old curse, and two women on the lam caught up in the troubles of a small town find even greater danger when their true nature is revealed. Vampires! Sayyy-oooorsayyy Ronan! This looks beyond, but kind of beyond in a good way. If you’re into the grown up possibilities of vampires, this one’s for you.
Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Gemma Arterton, Caleb Landry Jones
Release Date: June 28, 2013

9.) ‘We’re the Millers’

A comedy where Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper and a bunch of people pretend to be a family to get some marijuana from Mexico to the United States. Implausible, yes? But, if you’ve ever wanted to see Aniston prance about in undies and pretend to strip, now’s your chance. Embarrassing, dumb dialogue, but maybe there’s a few laughs to be found.
Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Emma Roberts, Ed Helms
Release Date: August 9, 2013

10.) ‘Just Like a Woman’

Two down on their luck women leave their homes and troubles in search of a better life through belly dancing. This could be a very moving exposition on the power of female friendship, or it could just be a kind of a waste of time and energy. Sienna Miller is a bit of a chameleon and I actually can’t remember the last movie I saw her in, so good on her.
Starring: Sienna Miller, Golshifteh Farahani, Bahar Soomekh
Release Date: 2013

11.) ‘Metallica Through the Never’

Partial concert film and partial… scenes of demolition and destruction? In any case, it’s apparently Metallica, which is some kind of “heavy” “metal” “band” as you’ve never seen them before, which sort of assumes that you have seen them previously, but I can’t actually think of anyone I know who’s super into Metallica concert films. Nonetheless, I’m sure there are people out there who want, nay, demand a 3-D Metallica experience. This one’s for y’all.
Starring: Dane DeHaan, James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich
Release Date: August 9, 2013

12.) ‘Delivery Man’

In this “comedy,” a mixup at a fertility clinic leads to one man fathering over 500 children, who must decide whether or not to come forward when a bunch of them sue him. Vince Vaughn stars, and while we only see a little snippet of this teaser trailer, this already looks weirdly depressing.
Starring: Cobie Smulders, Vince Vaughn, Chris Pratt
Release Date: November 22, 2013

Come back next week for more rankings!

Categories: Columns, Trailer Roundup

Tags: Blood Ties, Don Jon, Europa Report, Maniac, Ricky Jay, The Young and Prodigious Spivet, Trailer showdown

13 of the Most Misleading Trailers Ever Made

The preponderance of excitement which greets the arrival of even nine-second microteasers makes it needlessly difficult to remember that, in the most basic sense, movie trailers are nothing more than advertisements. They’re enormously successful advertisements, of course—ingratiating themselves so deeply into the fanboy market that their rapid dissemination more or less takes care of itself—but they’re nevertheless created with the exclusive intention of convincing you to spend money.

That we should be skeptical of movie trailers, particularly those promoting multi-million dollar blockbuster entertainments, really ought to be a given for everyone, which is why it’s always disconcerting to see the internet foam at its collective mouth any time we’re handed down, say, a spot for some new Superman nonsense or the nineteenth twenty-minute preview clip for “Star Trek Into Lens Flair” or whatever. It’s not contentious to suggest that the quality of a given trailer has no real bearing on the ultimate quality of the film it’s advertising, especially since, as we all know, the entire purpose of an ad is to make a product seem appealing. To that end we surely expect some deceit.

But one can only tolerate so much deception before what’s being marketed seems like a different product altogether. Hollywood has long had a tendency—ever increasing in frequency—to exaggerate a film’s more saleable qualities while suppressing the presence of what might be off-putting, but sometimes canny misdirection starts to look like blatant misrepresentation. Below we’ve gathered some of the worst offenders.

The Film: “Drive”

The Pitch: “Fast and the Furious” meets the sexy dude from “Breaker High”. It has it all: high-octane thrills, explosive action, 80s fonts, etc.

The Truth: A contemplative slice of cinema-loving nostalgia from a pretty haughty hipster auteur. Though hardly hardcore arthouse, “Drive” wasn’t the action thrill-ride it was sold as, and those looking for a feelgood blockbuster surely felt ripped off.

Ed. Note: So we accidentally embedded a clip from the opening of the film instead of the trailer, but the screen-grab is so good that I just can’t bring myself to change it. Here’s a link to the actual trailer.

The Film: “Like Someone In Love”

The Pitch: Sort of a Japanese “Harold and Maude”, only more silent.

The Truth: It seems as though the distributor simply didn’t know how to present the new film from Abbas Kiarostami, but in case they didn’t make it out to be the thoughtful, oblique drama it is. For a good laugh, compare the trailer above with the international spot cut for the film’s Cannes debut.

The Film: “Jack Reacher”

The Pitch: An action-packed blockbuster full of explosions and car chases.

The Truth: Basically just that, except without the explosion. A man even filed a lawsuit after learning that a half-second clip of a giant rock formation exploding was in the trailer without being in the final cut of the film. Because the absence of a wall blowing up was obviously the only disappointing thing about this.

The Film: “A Good Day To Die Hard”

The Pitch: Sex! Explosions! An aging movie star!

The Truth: Just an aging movie star. There’s actually more partial nudity in the trailer for “A Good Day to Die Hard” than there is in the film itself, improbably, and we all know the only thing that gets teenagers and middle-aged dudes into the theater is the promise of beautiful women showing a bit of skin.

The Film: “Lost In Translation”

The Pitch: A lighthearted romp in which Bill Murray has zany adventures abroad, and also maybe sleeps with Scarlett Johansson.

The Truth: A serious film about ennui and disenchantment, more dreamy than zany, with some of the driest humor and most understated punchlines this side of a Jim Jarmusch movie.

The Film: “In Bruges”

The Pitch: More zaniness abroad, only this time it’s two British hitmen and their action-packed follies.

The Truth: “Waiting for Godot” with guns, which go off with decidedly non-zany consequences. Come for the antics, stay for the existentialism.

The Film: “The Rules Of Attraction”

The Pitch: “American Pie” with the kid from “Dawson’s Creek”, and please disregard the names “Roger Avary” and “Bret Easton Ellis”.

The Truth: Well, a film by Roger Avary and Bret Easton Ellis, with about as much gleeful misanthropy as you’d expect from guys like that. What is it with trailers making dark comedies look light?

The Film: “Baby’s Day Out”

The Pitch: Fun for the whole family.

The Truth: Fun for nobody. “Adorable pratfalls” are, in practice, scenes of surprisingly brutal violence, made all the more uncomfortable by the fact that they’re carried out by a baby.

The Film: “Certified Copy“

The Pitch: A slightly more adult (but still poppy!) version of “Dan in Real Life,” accentuated by European flair.

The Truth: “Dan Doesn’t Even Know What Real Life is, Anymore.” Abbas Kiarostami’s masterpiece is hardly a light rom-com, but rather a decidedly cerebral meta-drama that questions the very nature of personal identity. Instead of a flimsy Ed Burns whatever that Miramax might have put out in the late 90s, you get one of the best films ever made. There have been worse surprises.

The Film: “The New World”

The Pitch: A historical epic featuring swashbuckling and exploring and valiant adventure.

The Truth: A tone poem about nature and grace and two entwined souls discovering one another’s secrets—in other words a Terrence Malick movie. A great film, to be sure, but a far cry from the one they were selling.

The Film: “Miami Vice”

The Pitch: “Bad Boys II” with one white dude.

The Truth: Uh, the best movie ever? But seriously, a much headier formal exercise and exploration of the digital image than anybody could have been anticipating, especially given how amped-up and overblown the trailer made this thing out to be.

The Film: “The Blair Witch Project”

The Pitch: “One of the creepiest films since ‘The Exorcist.’”Three (real) morons go camping in the woods of Maryland and then very bad things happen to them. Presumably, these (real) people were never seen again.

The Truth: “One of several hundred films that is creepier than ‘The Exorcist II: Heretic.’” Dogme 95 in hell. Three bad actors walk in circles while one of them suffers from an unstoppable nasal discharge.

The Film: “Contempt”

The Pitch: A sexy romantic drama that finds wickedly dry auteur Jean-Luc Godard returning to a more “traditional” mode of filmmaking.

The Truth: A thrillingly modernist examination of love and industry that subverts the narcissistic opulence of the film industry – “Contempt” doesn’t just bite the hand that feeds, it chews it right off. In a way, this trailer is as blunt and honest as they come, but any preview that simply refers to Fritz Lang as “the old man” is probably having some fun at your expense.

Categories: Lists

Tags: Calum Marsh, Drive, Jack Reacher, Like Someone in Love, List, Trailers